Thursday, January 12, 2012

canada



I want to give you a taste of your own medicine.

I don't know if I know the right words for this. 

I want this post to somehow say I Care A Lot About People But I Sometimes Wish I Lived Alone in a Cabin Somewhere In Canada but that's all I really have to say about it, and since that's not a very good post I guess I have to figure out how to scrape the same idea across a few paragraphs at least.

Okay, that's not it. You're getting offended. You don't understand yet. You're taking it personally, just like I knew you would, and you're thinking that maybe I was a bad investment after all. Let me speak. I don't want to leave you behind, I don't want to get away from here, I don't want to be lonely, all I want is to live somewhere where I don't have to wake up on time. I don't want to answer my cellphone, you know? I don't want to wrap myself around a school schedule or a curfew or the sun setting, you know? I don't want to obey.

I figured out what this post is really about: I want to control the universe. Nah, that's not it either. I don't want all of it, I don't want the cosmos and the thirst, the federal debt and the controversy, the history, the medical miracles, the wars, the telephone lines and the chicken coops, the evolution, the snow or the sun or the grilled cheese sandwich on a hungry boy's plate. I don't want the universe. In fact, I want nothing to do with it. But I want control of is this universe: mine. It has a small, temperamental sun and a glorious forecast for next week and it has long hair. I'd like control of this universe. I'd like to be able to say "yes" to late nights and "no" to AP math and "maybe some other time" to bravery and I'd like to say "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you don't understand, but no, just trust me, no" to dates with nice, normal boys that I don't want to go on dates with. I was never very comfortable with "nice" or "normal" anyway.

I want to control the universe. 

So when I say I Care A Lot About People But I Sometimes Wish I Lived Alone in a Cabin Somewhere In Canada, what I really mean is I Want to Take You to Canada and I Want to Live There By My Rules. I want to be alone. And you. I don't want to go to Canada without you. I don't want to live alone in the cabin, don't you get that? But somehow along the way we stopped counting as separate bodies, separate faces and fingers and hearts, we stopped existing as "me" and "you" and "you" and "you". Together, we're alone in that cabin in Canada. I want you there with me, just us, alone.

I want to control the universe and I care a lot about people. I do. But sometimes I wish I lived alone in a cabin somewhere in Canada. Sometimes I wish I controlled the universe and that this was possible: you, me, and a cabin. Somewhere in Canada. I can't even explain who you are because I probably don't know you. 

This is about controlling the universe inside of a cabin. That's really all it's about. Don't read too far into it.







Standard deviation.
-Avery Jalaine


2 comments:

  1. memily who didn't want to take the time to log in.14.1.12

    you're genius.
    I'm coming.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous17.1.12

    I want you to be talking about me

    ReplyDelete

Oh thanks. You're pretty.