Tuesday, October 18, 2011

because this isn't getting published in the school newspaper



How to Be a Future Cat Lady of America*

*Or Future Cat Gentleman. We are not gender-biased sexists here at the Future Cat People of America Association (the FCPAA).



Are you a social recluse? Do you detest the company of human beings? Do you ever say to yourself, "Ag, why wasn't I born a cat?!" If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then this helpful how-to guide is for you!

Step 1: Adopt as many cats as you can. Black cats. White Cats. Asian cats. Mixed race cats. Big cats. Skinny cats. Carrying a little bit of weight cats.

Step 2: Cut ties with every friend you've ever made. you don't need friends anymore, remember? The cats are your friends!

Step 3: Make cat-attracting, human-repelling wardrobe decisions like sweatshirts with bells on them.

Step 4: Show your devotion to your cats by knitting them sweaters that say things like "foxy" or "wild thang" on the back.

Step 5: When friendly strangers try to speak to you, ignore them in favor of muttering. They'll give up soon, I promise.





Yes, I did try submitting this to my high school newspaper. Luckily, I came to my senses and wrote something else about lonely girls and quiet boys before the editors had to murder me for my own good.




Floss.
-Avery Jalaine
  

2 comments:

  1. Avery, This is probably the best thing I've ever read. No, seriously.
    Let's be cats when we grow up.

    ReplyDelete
  2. THIS. IS. THE. BEST. THING. I'VE. EVER. READ.

    In a weird way, I really needed to read this.

    ReplyDelete

Oh thanks. You're pretty.