How to Be a Future Cat Lady of America*
*Or Future Cat Gentleman. We are not gender-biased sexists here at the Future Cat People of America Association (the FCPAA).
Are you a social recluse? Do you detest the company of human beings? Do you ever say to yourself, "Ag, why wasn't I born a cat?!" If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then this helpful how-to guide is for you!
Step 1: Adopt as many cats as you can. Black cats. White Cats. Asian cats. Mixed race cats. Big cats. Skinny cats. Carrying a little bit of weight cats.
Step 2: Cut ties with every friend you've ever made. you don't need friends anymore, remember? The cats are your friends!
Step 3: Make cat-attracting, human-repelling wardrobe decisions like sweatshirts with bells on them.
Step 4: Show your devotion to your cats by knitting them sweaters that say things like "foxy" or "wild thang" on the back.
Step 5: When friendly strangers try to speak to you, ignore them in favor of muttering. They'll give up soon, I promise.
Yes, I did try submitting this to my high school newspaper. Luckily, I came to my senses and wrote something else about lonely girls and quiet boys before the editors had to murder me for my own good.