I want to say something, but I can't say it right. There are six new drafts of unfinished posts saved in my dashboard, but none of them sound the way they're supposed to. They sound like someone else has written them.
I realize that my last few posts have been the all-about-my-super-duper-fun-summer, journal-esque, narcissistic ones that I actually loathe to read about on other peoples' blogs. And that's why I'm going to try to stop posting so much about me. Because I don't want to bore you to suicide or something.
I've been thinking a lot about the right way to think. Because there's certainly a wrong way. There's saying "I'm bad" and saying "She has nicer legs than me and I'm bad" and saying "I got the exact same score on my ACT as last time and I'm bad" and saying "He didn't talk to me when I walked by him and I'm bad" and saying "I just ate 3 calories and I'm bad". That's the wrong way to think. (If you think that way, you're bad. Just kidding.)
But have you heard about outcome thinking? You visualize the thing you want and you visualize yourself getting it and you visualize no badness happening in the process. And sometimes, you get it. Sometimes you think "I'm going to walk by him and I'm going to be the center of the room and my hair is going to be shiny and my legs are going to be long (and no one is going to even notice that other long-limbed vixen in the corner) and he is going to say 'Avery Jalaine Taylor, my my, how nice you look. And your hair? It's shiny.' And I will not stammer or have strawberry cream cheese on my face." And you think it really hard, in fact, you might even pray it, just a tiny bit and you think it again and again and remove any negativities (The vixen? Gone.) and then, remarkably, there it is. Result. Payoff. Outcome. And could that be the reason they call it 'outcome thinking'?
You make it happen.
And you can't make good things happen by saying "I'm bad". Then you just end up bad. It makes a little bit of sense to me, and sometimes I don't do it right (I'm bad) and what I want doesn't happen but sometimes sometimes I get it right and there it is: Outcome. Result. Payoff.
And sometimes I will the blowdryer to turn my hair pretty and sometimes it listens.
You're one of us.
p.s. there should be one or two more "I Was a Teenage Intern" posts about Nickelodeon and California, mostly because I'm obsessed with myself and really want to impress you, and a little teeny bit because I think I might actually be able to amuse you. Or whatever.
another p.s. I understand that this post wasn't my best. I'll try harder next time. I love you.