Thursday, April 7, 2011
another guide to boys
There is a problem that has been brought to my attention, and as your clever and thoughtful guide through life (oh, i'm kidding, of course), I want to help you out.
The problem: girls being tricked into thinking that a boy is attractive based on temporary disguises that, once removed, reveal the real boy who may be... less than savory underneath that baja sweater that you were actually attracted to.
The solution: 3 quick and fool-proof* (actually, far from it. but whose blog did you think you were reading?) strategies that I have designed to test the real attractiveness of a boy**. You're welcome.
Strategy Numero Uno: Dress him in ugly clothes. Let's be honest, I like stylish boys. So any old boy can dress up in a woolen sweater and skinny jeans and a trapper hat, and I'm like "Owow, hottie alert" (I swear, I've never uttered those words in real life). But perhaps he's really ugly in disguise, and you'll never know it until you force him into a truly heinous outfit. One thing to remember is: don't make the mistake of dressing him in cute-ugly clothes. You know, like a kitten sweater or suspenders or overalls or socks that hit him mid-calf. Though they're lame, these types of clothes are actually endearing and might even add to his cuteness and ruin the results of the test. Dress him in those creepy geek jeans that are never long enough and shaped like you have square legs. No one can look cute with square legs.
Strategy Numero Dos: Cut all his hair off. I've found that a lot of times, I'm really just attracted to some boy's hair. That sounds ultimately pretty creepy, but it's true. If you give your boy an ugly haircut (or better yet: shave his head!!) you will be forced to see the underlying beauty or hideousness. It's pretty black and white: he's either attractive or not. The downside is that haircuts tend to last for quite a while and though you may be pleased with the result of the attractiveness test, you'll still have to tote around a bald kid and no one wants to be friends with a baldy. Okay wait, I just solved all your problems. The new solution will be to put one of those bald-caps that they use in movies to give the illusion of baldness, while actually maintaining the stylish, if not hat-haired, hair.
Strategy Numero Tres: Wake him up in the wee hours. Everyone is really ugly when they are woken up too early. Their eyes get all swollen and they have random stuff on their face and their hair looks like weeds. But! But a truly attractive boy will still manage it in the early morning, no matter the dried spit and crusty eyes. How you're supposed to sneak into his house at 4 AM is your own problem.
*Disclaimer: Just because your boyfriend didn't pass any of these tests doesn't mean that he's ugly. This test is hardly fool-proof (I was actually lying in the third paragraph) and very objective. Also, even if he is ugly, he still probably has a nice personality so probably don't break up with him or shun him or do anything else of the drastic sort.
**Disclaimer, the Second: This test is not meant for girls and will probably have the opposite of the intended effect.
And there you have it! Have fun being the shallowest girl alive.
(just like me, I guess..)
We sure are cute for two ugly people.
p.s. Shout out to the girl on the bus who randomly reads Go Ask and knew who I was. I love you a lot, I suppose.