Saturday, April 30, 2011

how to cry

How to cry:

* Be pathetic, because you can.

* Wear your blackest black mascara, the cheapest eyeliner you own. The best way to cry is with black tears.

* Tissues are a sell-out.

* Get in bed with your shoes on.

* Or lay on the floor.

* Trash your hair-do.

* Eat deep-fried food. Ice cream is overrated and makes you cold.

* Wear a huge, hideous sweater.

* Hang out with your mom because she is nice plus she's also obliged by some unwritten covenant to pet your hair and say the right thing and tell you that you're pretty.

* Recall the fact that everyone else in the world has a better life than you, which is true.

* Go ahead and read this angst-girl post again because it's depressing but be quick about it because I feel like it'll be deleted by morning, which is the sensible thing to do.

-Avery Jalaine

Sunday, April 24, 2011

my temperature

I like the feeling of reaching for something with your eyes closed, but knowing it's there.

It's almost like you're not taking a risk, but you are.

Nostalgia keeps on calling me back.
-Avery Jalaine

p.s. happy easter.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

but she was wearing some classy boots

Somehow I ended up as a girl doomed to constant embarrassment.

I don't really know how that happened.

I'm pretty sure that when I was up in heaven deciding how I would spend my teenage years I wasn't like, "Oh, what I want to do in high school is get myself into loads of awkward situations and laugh at inappropriate times and tell pointless stories and stare at everyone and have a sort of supernatural sense of the exact wrong moment to say the exact wrong thing and also accidentally lead lots of people to believe that I stalk them, oh, and also fall over frequently because all those things sound really awesome and will ultimately make my life immensely more exciting." I probably lost a bet or something. Drew the small straw. And I was like, "What? Best two out of three." But no one fell for that because they'd way rather have skin problems when they were 17 than be that girl who one time got her arm stuck in a stud-muffin boy's cardigan as he was strolling down the hall.

Also bad eyesight. How'd I get stuck with that?

Well anyway. Usually these rant-posts are spurred by something and you guessed it: I've just inflicted another round of mortification on myself.

The latest scandal has been me commenting on other kids' blogs from my Creative Writing class -- thinking I'm signed in with my anonymous pen name, like everyone else was -- but in reality, there it is: "Avery Jalaine said..." In a moment of panic I tried to delete one of my botched comments but everyone knows that's the dumbest thing I could've done because now it says "Avery Jalaine said... This comment has been deleted by the author." Oh yeah, thanks Blogger, that's really helpful. It's a thousand times worse. Oh, the shame.

So people think I'm obsessed with them. What's new? It's fine.

Oh, and pardon my dorkiness, but it just happened to me so I have to post it:
Sort of.

Sooner or later.
-Avery Jalaine

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

avery ink

Her name is Avery and she has never walked to school. A self-destructive pair of lips. Ivory fingers cold with poor circulation, the knuckles sticking out. Hair that's not exactly brown or blond, but it's certainly long. You can look at her from the corners of your eyes.

Her name is Avery and you forget her cell phone number. She could count backward from 100 since first grade. She has a lot of ideas and she has a lot of bad ideas. She voices them sometimes. Once she ran away from school, once she ran away from home. She told a lie when she was small and hasn't stopped since.

Her name is Avery, but she doesn't always remember her manners. She's quiet when she plans to be, and she can even fold her hands up like a little church in her lap. She could be the perfect outsider, if not for the words that beat around in her empty mouth, leave little bruises there.

The very vast, shallow ocean.
-Avery Jalaine

Thursday, April 14, 2011

i've got places to go, got walls to climb

When I try to communicate, walls fall.

Paper cuts are love songs
And freight trains are men

with bad tempers

And the sugar and salt shakers

which do not behave well

because of the pepper jar

and the oil

and the maple syrup in that plastic bottle

and it's cheap but tastes fine

are you and I

And pepper and
oil and

maple syrup

keep us apart.

There aren't enough sitcoms in the world

to keep us laughing.

You are the steam

And I am the smoke.

Makes me feel seasick.
-Avery Jalaine

p.s. this is my favorite song from the Young Veins album that I just bought: "Everyone But You". have a listen.

Friday, April 8, 2011

upsides & downsides

Downside: If you didn't already know it, Borders Bookstore is bankrupt. It's going out of business. All those books. This tragedy seemed to be a personal attack directly on me, but in hindsight I'm sure that corporate America wasn't actually targeting little ol' me. (Corporate America: "Oh, and let's do away with Borders Bookstore because it makes Avery happy. Yeah, gotta go.") But that's what it felt like. So. That's extremely sad.

Upside: As you may have encountered with past bankruptcies, there is a certain grace period in the last days of the store when EVERYTHING MUST GO!!! and things are marked down to CLOSE-OUT PRICES!!! as low as 60% 70% 80% OFF!!! It's a beautiful thing to see a bookshelf with an 80% mark-down sign floating above it. Oh, and also DVD's. And CD's. And cards, but it's not like I cared about those. Even the furniture was for sale. After getting a few crippling armfuls of books that I had to spread out all across a single table, I narrowed it down to ten or fifteen. And some CD's. (And the movie Paper Hearts, but that was futile because I don't actually have a Blu-Ray player. Rats.) But then I settled on six things because my mum was threatening my life. But still. Books sales. A dream. A glorious, miraculous, wondrous dream. I shed a few tears, broke my wrists from carrying so many books. It's fine.

I can't keep my own secrets.

-Avery Jalaine

Thursday, April 7, 2011

another guide to boys

There is a problem that has been brought to my attention, and as your clever and thoughtful guide through life (oh, i'm kidding, of course), I want to help you out.

The problem
: girls being tricked into thinking that a boy is attractive based on temporary disguises that, once removed, reveal the real boy who may be... less than savory underneath that baja sweater that you were actually attracted to.

The solution
: 3 quick and fool-proof* (actually, far from it. but whose blog did you think you were reading?) strategies that I have designed to test the real attractiveness of a boy**. You're welcome.

Strategy Numero Uno: Dress him in ugly clothes.
Let's be honest, I like stylish boys. So any old boy can dress up in a woolen sweater and skinny jeans and a trapper hat, and I'm like "Owow, hottie alert" (I swear, I've never uttered those words in real life). But perhaps he's really ugly in disguise, and you'll never know it until you force him into a truly heinous outfit. One thing to remember is: don't make the mistake of dressing him in cute-ugly clothes. You know, like a kitten sweater or suspenders or overalls or socks that hit him mid-calf. Though they're lame, these types of clothes are actually endearing and might even add to his cuteness and ruin the results of the test. Dress him in those creepy geek jeans that are never long enough and shaped like you have square legs. No one can look cute with square legs.

Strategy Numero Dos: Cut all his hair off
. I've found that a lot of times, I'm really just attracted to some boy's hair. That sounds ultimately pretty creepy, but it's true. If you give your boy an ugly haircut (or better yet: shave his head!!) you will be forced to see the underlying beauty or hideousness. It's pretty black and white: he's either attractive or not. The downside is that haircuts tend to last for quite a while and though you may be pleased with the result of the attractiveness test, you'll still have to tote around a bald kid and no one wants to be friends with a baldy. Okay wait, I just solved all your problems. The new solution will be to put one of those bald-caps that they use in movies to give the illusion of baldness, while actually maintaining the stylish, if not hat-haired, hair.

Strategy Numero Tres: Wake him up in the wee hours.
Everyone is really ugly when they are woken up too early. Their eyes get all swollen and they have random stuff on their face and their hair looks like weeds. But! But a truly attractive boy will still manage it in the early morning, no matter the dried spit and crusty eyes. How you're supposed to sneak into his house at 4 AM is your own problem.

*Disclaimer: Just because your boyfriend didn't pass any of these tests doesn't mean that he's ugly. This test is hardly fool-proof (I was actually lying in the third paragraph) and very objective. Also, even if he is ugly, he still probably has a nice personality so probably don't break up with him or shun him or do anything else of the drastic sort.

**Disclaimer, the Second: This test is not meant for girls and will probably have the opposite of the intended effect.

And there you have it! Have fun being the shallowest girl alive.

(just like me, I guess..)

We sure are cute for two ugly people.
-Avery Jalaine

p.s. Shout out to the girl on the bus who randomly reads Go Ask and knew who I was. I love you a lot, I suppose.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

for keeps

I'm back from San Fran.

I guess I never really mentioned that I was going.

Well, I went.

And I'll be sure to have some sort of post about it in the near future, because a lot of important things happened there like my first ever visit to H&M and also a whole team of teenage soccer players from Britain deciding to stay at the very same hotel where we were (do not pass out), but for now I'm at school and it's first period and I probably won't really put a dent into my San Francisco escapades with only 10 minutes left of class (well, now it's almost 6 pm and I'm really finishing this up, but I still don't want to do a San Fran post yet).

So I'll tell you about something else that I figured out, or at least skirted around the edges of figuring out, over my 5-day sabbatical. And forgive me, because you probably already understood this decades ago, but it's fairly new information to me. Bear with me.

To be happy, you don't need what everyone else has that makes them happy. Does that make sense?

You don't need to be famous just because it made Audrey Hepburn happy. You don't need some boyfriend just because some boyfriend is making some girlfriend happy and you can tell. You don't need to be bottle-blond just because it made Marilyn Monroe happy. You don't need to pretend to be inclined towards hipster-ism and wear a beanie because it makes some hipster happy. You don't need red lipstick because it makes me happy.

There are just a lot of things that won't make you happy. Like a diamond necklace. I'd like one, oh yes, but it wouldn't make me happy. In fact, a cubic zirconium is just as convincing.

Stop it, if that's not you. Don't sell out.

I told you so.

-Avery Jalaine