Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Christmas Post




Christmas has crept up on me.

I saw it coming in November, but then the next day it was less than a week away, and here I am: unprepared for it. I think it's the rainy weather that's throwing me off. And the fact that there's no tree up, for fear that the kitten might wreak havoc on it.


I still have Christmas shopping to do, but this year I'm uncertain about what I should be looking for. It's all very unorganized. This time next week, the day will already be a thing of the past. Odd.


I thought I knew what I wanted this year, but upon being asked, my mind was blank. It's very unlike me, because usually I'm generally pretty greedy.


Christmas used to take forever to come, a single year could stretch out for an eternity; and then the month of December itself! It was torture!

But now, Christmases come fast and hard, they mark the end of each year like a punch (a pleasant sort of punch that I look forward to, no doubt). Now Christmases freak me out because they're all so close together, I hardly have time to grow at all in between them.


I get really melancholy on Christmas, at nighttime. Usually I cry. I don't really understand why. I think it's just the fact that it's this one day that I've been saving up for a whole year, and in 24 tiny hours, it's over. So at night, when everyone is going to bed and putting Christmas away, I cry simply because it's over. This exact same day won't ever exist again.


Maybe I should cry at the end of every day then.


But oh well. I love Christmas. I love the lights and the frostiness of it; I love caroling loudly as me and Brianne and Katie drive home from school with the windows rolled down; I love the dress code: all sweaters and mittens and hats; I love the look of Christmas on people's faces, pink from cold, all glowing from holiday anxiety; I love the lessons on Sundays and singing Christmas hymns; I love the Santas outside of Wal-Mart ringing bells; I love Hallmark Movie Channel specials that are really awful actually; I love gifts and giving them (really); I love nativity sets; I love the feeling that it's coming soon; I love the very taste: peppermint and spiced things, chocolate definitely; I love
It's A Wonderful Life; I love Christmas Eve; I love white elephant parties; I love the snow (just this once); and I love people around Christmas, they're nice.

I adore Christmas, really. It's so loved and reckless and fragile. It's so kind.




And here's a quick Christmas story, to tide you over:
Someone drew a picture of Harry and Ron on the whiteboard in the choir room at school. Ron was wearing his "R" sweater from the good ol' days in HP1. He was also shouting "Happy Christmas, Harry!" I can't say why, but me and my friend Christina couldn't contain our laughter.




Figgy.

-Avery Jalaine

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


There is a movie coming out on July 29, 2011, and I yearn to see it.


It's name is Cowboys and Aliens.


It is about cowboys. And aliens. Both.



The only thing that might make it a little bit better is if Daft Punk did the score and Michael Cera had the lead.


But, you know, it's fine.






And then I was like... :O
-Avery Jalaine

Monday, December 20, 2010

No... THIS is really, really, really gay.




I spend a lot of my time Googling things. And tonight, as I was harassing the suggested searches on Google's search box (like every ol' night), and typing in random things in hopes of finding a comedic gem, I came across just that and more:
The Comedic Gem. I was so thrilled.


But first, let me introduce you to the craft of Google for Amusement Purposes.

To start, you type in some generic words, usually in question format, something like: "Do deer ..."

Then, huzzah!, a short list of frequented suggestions will pop up in response, because Google is very helpful and is trying to guess the exact words in your brain.

But, if you do type "Do deer ..." a lot of nonsense things pop up, because Google is over-eager to please its viewers. So you might get:
"Do deer... have top teeth?"
Or my favorite, "Do deer... eat mums?" This one was highly amusing to me for a good two minutes before I realized that mums are brightly colored flowers, and Google was probably not referring to a young British child, fearful for his mother while she was journeying through the deer-infested woods and felt the need to ask Google, "Do deer eat Mums?" So, it wasn't exactly as funny as I thought, but still..


Here are a few more test-run Google searches before I introduce you to my Comedic Gem.

I typed: "Ham is..."
and Google came up with:
"Ham is... my favorite color."
"Ham is... from cow." (LIES)
"Ham is... the new bacon."
"Ham is... not a toy."
"Ham is... the key."
"Ham is... slimy."
"Ham is... ham." (Way to state the obvious)

I typed: "I told you I went..."
and Google came up with:
"I told you I went... wolverine hunting." (How many people could've Googled this, really?)

I typed: "I think I am a..."
and Google came up with:
"I think I am a... vampire."
"I think I am a... sociopath." (That'd be an unfortunate one to figure out. After killing your family.)
"I think I am a... clone now."
"I think I am a... emo." (nice grammar, you emo)
"I think I am a... mermaid."
"I think I am a... model." (this is one doesn't seem all that confusing to me..)
"I think I am a... ninja."
"I think I am a... girl." (SURPRISE!!!!)

I typed: "Do babies..."
and Google came up with:
"Do babies... have thoughts?"
"Do babies... have their own language?" (like in Rugrats?!)
"Do babies... poop in the womb?"
and strangely, "Babies having babies"


Okay, turns out I spent way too much time on that. That's not even the point of this post.

What this is really about is............ The Comedic Gem!!

Here's what I typed: "Things that are really..." and then Google was like, "Things that are really... gay."

So, deciding it was funny enough because of the length of time I snickered at it, I pressed 'enter'.

(GET READY FOR THE GEM!) And the first page that came up was this: Uncyclopedia: Really, Really, Really Gay and I was like "Lawl!" so I clicked it.


I'm not really sure I get it 100% (is it on a level of humor that I, myself, don't even touch? probably.) but I laughed quite uproariously. So head over there, like, now. It's not even long.

Favorites:

“No.....THIS is really, really, really gay.....”
~ Noel Coward on Really, really, really gay
“Anyone who quotes me is really, really, really gay.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Really, really, really gay
“Anyone who is named Oscar Wilde is really, really, really gay.”
~ Noel Coward on Really, really, really gay

"It was at this point that I round-house kicked the reporter to death for even daring to ask such a question."


"Classification can sometimes be a daunting task."

"On a happier note, anybody who runs after they work out is really, really, really gay. Additionally, so is the South and its occupants."


Is there anything funnier?! And the answer is no.

What a Comedic Gem. You're welcome.



I've always liked Oscar Wilde though.
-Avery Jalaine

Friday, December 17, 2010

Monday, December 13, 2010

the center of the universe




Do you ever feel like the center of the universe?


Like maybe everything, everyone, every single little detail and word and spec of dust, might be just for your benefit, might be designed just to lead you somewhere: to heaven, or wherever else?

Sometimes, I get scared that I am the only real person on this whole world, and everyone else is here just for me, but when I'm not around, they --- you --- stop existing. You are all just facets of my reality, the little bits that make me me, that shape my future and my decisions and my well-being.

Every face in a crowd that I scan by and forget instantly is meant to change my world; every touch of the breeze, every rumor, every website that I click by, every word on a billboard, every story of hope or hunger, every sound, every smell on Earth is meant for my eyes and my ears and my senses, but without me there to see it, to hear it sing, it is nothing; it isn't really there.

It's kind of like 'if a tree falls with no one to hear it, does it make a sound?' Are there really people that'll I'll never know somewhere in, oh, Sri Lanka that are having a conversation that I'll never hear or sleeping or waking up because I have no idea what time it is in Sri Lanka? Or is there really no one until they enter my life; is Sri Lanka empty except for its name?

I can't imagine six billion other people on Earth, thinking things that I don't think about, living and never touching my little existence. It's much too big. Maybe I'm the only teenage girl in the whole wide world.


I think about this sometimes.

And for some reason, it makes me lonely.


Please, tell me if you're there.






I lose sleep; give me your thoughts.



Every galaxy; every tiny star.
-Avery Jalaine




Sunday, December 12, 2010

six billion seven hundred twenty one million forty four thousand nine hundred seventy two to the power of zero is one.




Once I was wondering about square roots and logarithms, and I found someone's notes on the floor, explaining it all.

Do you believe in luck?



Life is fine.
-Avery Jalaine

Saturday, December 11, 2010

stream of (conscience): we are one







Oh! Hello. Here's a post for you. By Avery.


I have trouble focusing in some of my classes. Like Pre-Calculus and Seminary. So mostly I write poetry and try to make it look like an assignment instead of poetry-for-fun because then everyone tries to stealthily read it over your shoulder. I hate that.


One of my favorite types of slapdash poetry that isn't really poetry is stream of conscious. It's a narrative style in which the point is to convey a straightforward translation of the narrator's thought process. My take on stream of conscious --- I nicknamed my particular brand of it Stream of Conscience --- is to write whatever lines come into my head, no deleting, no revising. The only things I kick out of the verse are worldly things that get into my head, like what the girl next to me is saying and the math lecture and when I notice that there's a peanut butter stain on my dress.


So here's a little ditty I wrote in French from October. I don't use spaces or commas when I write it, so it's a wee bit hard to read, and that's why I've added spaces. It sucked otherwise.


Most of it's symbols and exaggerations and metaphors, so don't take everything I say literally. I hope you like it a little bit, since it's my real thoughts. Or not, because it doesn't really matter. It's still how I think.


**Also, definitely don't read this whole thing. It's longer than the Holocaust.

Stream of Conscience.13: We Are One

We are one We are dreams and little figments of imagination We are careful and careless and so close to death We are imaginary friends We are honest and lovely and of good report We are white and we are black We are patriotic We are used to walking in circles and touching the sun We are hopeful and obscene We are musical to our deaths We are pained because of the current state of the economy We are flight-risks We are high maintenance We are claustrophobic and terrified of heights We are busy now We are helping each other climb through the dark We are secretive and openhearted We are okay now We are sandy-eyed as we fall asleep We are undecided We are unprepared We are unrighteous and unobedient We are unreal to each other but we seems so real We are all full of hopes and dreams and unclean things We are incredibly self-aware We are waiting at the door and we are waiting for love and hopelessness We are the spaces in between each other We are the spaces between the cracks We are together We are soft and rough We are a congregation We are a democracy We are sympathetic to your needs but there is nothing that we can do about it We are so tired We are theatrical and everybody hates us for it We are called to arms We are the colors without names and the love you lost as a child We are ruthless We are close-minded when it comes to politics We are a fragile all corrupt and glassy We are telling each other lies about heaven We are whitewashed all bleached out We are not accepted for ourselves We are so close to the sun We are insolent and ignorant and we don't know about war crime and love We are getting too old for this We are so in sync We are repetitive because we love routines We are terribly classy and everyone is jealous We are plural because we are one We are heartless We are forever at a red light and never moving on We are praying for rain We are melodic We are practicing for our recital because we're talented and arrogant We are fraternal twins all of us We are paper-cuts and salt We are the feeling of heartbreak We are old memories fading into nothing We are especially frightened tonight We are going to bed early We are overly attracted and terribly convinced We are animals We are all covered in dust and left upstairs in the attic We are under oath now We are not where we are supposed to be We are cynical really We are predestined to be in love We are awake all night and longing for someone We are mostly right We are the same not the same We are wrong for each other We are growing up and trying not to We are so obsessed We are all going to heaven what a surprise We are Americans at heart We are failing Physics but we're working on it We are the luckiest We are saying things that are not false but not fact We are late to everything We are ready to run at the slightest sound We are evading the law and telling half-truths We are wounded We are well-rounded and well-brought up We are lied to We are the ones who didn't play safe We are young at heart We are strangers We are not opposed to a later curfew We are loitering We are waiting in the wings We are scaring ourselves We are keeping our hands clean We are furious We are stopped in time We are most appalled by your behavior We are not so helpful afterall We are trying to stay awake We are full of mechanics and cogs We are clack and gold and red and blue We are indescribable We are immense in the sight of God We are hopeful We are making each other happy We are part of the wallpaper We are one.


Now I shall end this post which I intended to be longer, but then it turned out that this stream of conscious was like twelve hours long and you guys can't handle any more useless information. Are you asleep already? That's too bad.



Must love Friday nights.
-Avery Jalaine

Friday, December 10, 2010






Today I saw
Addy. She was at Lone Peak. And wearing turquoise rain boots. We hugged. It was very nice.


Also, I don't know how to ice skate. I'm scared.



Me oh my.

-Avery Jalaine

Thursday, December 9, 2010

a round of applause





Because I was a child without any sort of the regular talents that most children had --- hand-eye coordination or an endearing lisp or athleticism or social skills --- I had to come up with my own set of accomplishments so that I could be at least a little bit proud of myself. Here are some of my gifts:
  • Patheticness, in general. I find great achievement in wearing the lamest sweaters, saying "hi.." in a small voice, liking camels and seahorses and llamas and reindeer, and looking at people with what is hopefully a heartbroken expression.
  • Being awkward. Actually I do try to not be awkward most of the time, but since that's proven impossible, I might as well thrive on saying the wrong thing and staring at people and trying not to laugh and then failing at that.
  • Having good taste in music, because honestly, most people are like "I listen to the radio" but the only music on the radio is Jason Derulo, so I don't trust anyone who tries to tell me that they love the radio and still have good taste in music. Let me ramble some more. Not really.
  • Having very very pale skin and very very long hair. My skin used to cause me daily torment, but then Twilight made it big and now all the vampire fangirls wish they were me. My hair is long, and that's all.
  • Having a vocabulary that is marginally larger than most teenagers'. When I was little, I was a big hit with all the teachers. Also, I can usually win arguments with dumb people, so that's nice.
  • Being famous for being a Cheetah Girl in elementary/jr. high school. All my clothes were cheetah and some of them still are. I never understood why I was persecuted for wearing animal print so much. If you'd like an impromptu Cheetah Girls sing-a-long that'd be fine, I'm always prepared.
  • Double-Dutching, like with two jump ropes, this talent also includes Bri, Spot, Katie, and a little bit of Cara Olsen. One time we brought our ropes to EFY and our popularity instantly doubled. It almost made up for the whole Cheetah Girls thing.
  • Writing things in a way that's either at least a little bit amusing or lyrical. So, English teachers usually like me or something. Also, geeks. And apparently someone called pb&j because they're following me and I'm proud of it.
Ta-da.
-Avery Jalaine

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

coulda shoulda woulda





Today my posting capabilities turned out to be really shabby.


My first try on this post was all about having my cheek numbed at the dentist. It was weird to smile and chew things. That's all that happened. There was a lot of comic potential, but I wasted it, apparently.


The second draft was a heated debate of what Middle Ages-themed hairstyle I should do on myself for singing in Madrigal this coming week. Options were..

Heidi braids. I'm a huge fan. I like to wear them around the house and to church, but I haven't flaunted them at school yet, based on my usual lack of hair-do time in the mornings.

Or.. Loop braids. The last time I wore these babies was picture day in 5th grade. Sexy, basically.


But the hair-do debate got too heated so I had to think of something else.


So then after that I got really obsessed with Harry Potter and spent most of my life lurking on Tumblr and clogging my hard drive with clever/fan girl HP7 memorabilia that I found intriguing. Obviously, that was out the door after I took a moment to think things through (like, if I still wanted any blog followers or not).

But here's a quick preview...




To tell you the truth: this post is going nowhere. This is the end of it. This was a post about all of other possible posts. It's a toss-up whether or not this one won't just be deleted and added to the list.


I'm really not so good at this blogging thing, I guess.




Most of the time, I'm making it all up.
-Avery Jalaine